Jokes

Did you ever cheat me??

Sam and Becky are celebrating the valentines day. Sam says to her, 'Becky, I was wondering – have you ever cheated on me?'
Becky replies, 'Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question…'
'Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…'
'Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…'
'Three? Well, when were they?' he asked.
'Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?'
'Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?'
'Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up..

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I have to pee

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, 'Mommy, I have to pee.'
The mother said to the little boy, 'It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.'
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, 'Daddy, I have to whisper.'
The father looked at him and said, 'Okay, just whisper in my ear.'

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“Paint me with diamond earrings”

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, 'Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch.'
'But you're not wearing any of those things!' the artist said.
'I know,' she replied. 'But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!'

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Solving a Puzzle

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other 'Here's to 17 days!'
Smiling, the bartender says, 'Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?'
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, 'Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!'

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Do not mess with children

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the gi..

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A thoughtful husband

Sometime after a man died, his widow, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
'He thought of everything,' she told them. 'Just before he died, he called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Honey,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace.''
'What was in the envelopes?' her friends asked.
'The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful casket with such a comfortable lining that I know he is resting very comfortably.'
'The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged him a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending.'
'And the third envelope?&#039..

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Three turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped .Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.
He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go ,swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves t..

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Parachute Classes

A blonde was attending a class of parachute juming. the instructor told them to …

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The Tearful Bride…

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, 'Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.'
'Now, now,' her mother comforted, 'I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.'
'No, mother,' you don't understand.
'I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!'
'Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!' says her mom.
'Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.'
'No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.'
'Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?'
'Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!'

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