Jokes

Questions, Replied with witty answers

Customer: Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter: Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter: That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter: So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

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The husband store

A woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
The 1st floor sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
Oh, mercy me! she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. this floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias cha..

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Smart Blonde

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. 'Okay,' the sheriff drawled, 'what is 1 and 1?'
'Eleven,' she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, 'That's not what I meant, but she's right.' 'What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?'
'Today and tomorrow.'
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
'Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?'
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, 'I don't know.'
'Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?'
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. 'It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a ..

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Which bird you want to be?

An Englishman, an Scotsman and a Blonde went on a mountain-climbing expedition together. Everything was going fine until one day, while they were walking along a narrow ledge, an avalanche ripped away the ledge on each side of them.
As they stood there wondering what to do, with the freezing night closing in, there was a strange shimmering in the air and a good fairy appeared, floating in front of them. She raised her wand and declared that, as they had all been good and the expedition was sponsored for charity and so forth, she was to rescue them from their terrible plight. Each of them could wish to be transformed into any bird of their choice in order to get safely off the mountain, and would return to their normal form once they reached home.
She turned first to the Englishman and asked what he wanted to be.
'A swan,' he replied, and a beautiful white swan replaced him. Stepping off the ledge, it spread its wings and flew off for England.
The fairy turned to the Scotsman..

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My wife is Pregnant

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling?
'I've never felt better,' he replies. 'I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child!
What do you think about that?'
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, 'Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidently grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near the creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella , points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him.'
'Thats impossible!' said the old man in disbelief, 'someone else must have shot the beaver!'
'Bingo!' says the doctor….

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Blonde goes for the interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. 'So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?'
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying 'Ehhhh… 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your
Height, please?'
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces 'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks 'Just out of curiosity, miss. We can und..

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The new release

There was a movie released called 'GAVASKAR' in Australia…
Sunil Gavaskar felt very proud about it.
He went personally to watch the movie and check out how his image was portrayed in the movie. The Movie started… Gavaskar patiently watched it till interval but found no clue of himself in it…
Then Gavaskar thought the main character sometimes make an entry after the interval but again to his disappointment, there was not even a single fact that he could relate himself to…
Gavaskar got wild and he decided to sue the movie producers & directors. He asked 'U made the movie named Gavaskar but u haven't mentioned a single thing about me. Why did you do so??
Then he got a reply and after hearing that he got silent and came back home in India
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guess wht was the reply he got ???
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How to choose right person for the job?

Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed room with an open window, then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation
If they are counting the Bricks, Put them in the accounts Department.
If they are recounting them….Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, then put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in planning.
If they are throwing the Bricks at each other, put them in operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the Window, Put them on strategic Planning.
And the..

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God Bless You

Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
'Who was that!?' …

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A pint og Guinness

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, 'Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!'

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